How do I tell the children about the divorce?

It is one of the toughest tasks that accompanies a divorce.  How do we tell the children? I recently came across a good article that advised parents facing divorce to avoid these three mistakes when telling the children:

1. Pressuring the children to make a choice,
2. Forgetting to emphasize that the children did not cause the divorce, and
3. Sharing information that only adults should be aware of.

You can read the entire article here.  In the article, the author elaborates on each point. I want to specifically emphasize the third point.  Divorce attorneys see this mistake made all of the time (sharing information with the children that only adults should be aware of).  It is typically done when one parent is hurt and mad at the other because they have somehow been wronged.  Often it is when adultery is involved.  The parent decides to tell the children the reason mommy and daddy are getting  divorce is because “your father has a girlfriend” (or something like that).  When asked why in the world they would tell their children this, they justify it by saying, “the children deserve to know the truth” or “I was just being honest with them.”

DO NOT DO THIS. Really.  It is incredibly selfish and immature and it hurts your children.  I know there may be some circumstances where it may be necessary.  Maybe the child is 17 and the affair was with a teacher at the school and so all of her friends are going to find out (yes, I’ve seen it happen).  But, even in those situations, slow down. Check your motivation.  Are you really protecting your child by telling her?  Is it really necessary? I find that often it is not.  Don’t do it to your children.  The divorce is going to be hard enough on them.

Finally, I would add one more to the author’s list: Remind them that both mom and dad still love them. Children in divorce need to be reminded that the breakup of the marriage does not mean that either parent no longer loves them.  This is VERY important.  Even if you are the spouse who did not want the divorce, make sure they know that the other spouse still loves them and the divorce does not mean they don’t.  They need to hear that.

NOTE: The author of the article offers some resources at the end of the article to assist in telling the children about divorce. I have not reviewed them myself, but I have talked to the author in the past and I have heard very good reports about those resources.  You may want to check them out if you are facing divorce and are not sure how to tell the kids.

This post from the AlabamaFamilyLawBlog.com where you can find information about Alabama divorce and family law.

Telling the Kids About the Divorce

Related divorce and family law info:

1. Helping Children Survive Divorce I recently came across a website called Focus on Your…
2. How to Make the Holidays Easier on Children in Separated Families The Bozeman Daily Chronicle recently published an article entitled “Holidays…
3. Advice for Divorcing Parents If you have read this blog for any length of…
4. What to ask before you say “I Do” A new survey asked a sample of 1,000 adults what…
5. It is Up to Parents There is nothing worse in the area of divorce and…

View full post on AlabamaFamilyLawBlog.com

{authorbox}

This entry was posted on Thursday, February 18th, 2010 at 3:09 pm and is filed under Divorce. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. Responses are currently closed, but you can trackback from your own site.