Explaining adoption to a child is a very important as well as intricate issue. Adoptive parents need to consider the importance of telling their child that he or she is adopted at an age that the child would be able to understand without getting hurt. 

In the past, adoptive parents avoided to tell their children they were adopted in the fear of causing turbulence in the family. Without a doubt, this has been an utterly wrong tactics, mainly because adopted children always learn the truth at some point of their life. Sometimes, people who know about the adoption reveal the truth accidentally or even intentionally. In other cases, adoptees find documents that prove they have been adopted.

Almost all experts agree that children should be told about adoption prior to adolescence. However, deciding the best age to talk to a child about adoption is not an one-time decision. Instead, it is an ongoing process. 

Some adoptive parents choose to repeat the word “adoption” to their infants so that they get used to listening to the word without, of course, understanding the meaning. However, as the infant grows to a child, it comes natural that he or she asks what adoption is about. 

Other adoptive parents choose to talk about adoption when their children turns 2 years old. Some experts suggest that this is wrong because explaining adoption to a preschooler may cause permanent emotional trauma. Many preschoolers express feelings of confusion and anxiety and feel insecure in their homes. This is mainly explained by the fact that, at this age, children have not yet fully developed their understanding about important issues such as adoption. However, instead of ignoring the issue, they keep on thinking that they live with strangers who are not their birth parents and they develop fear and anger. Other experts disagree and assert that, at this age, children consider adoption as a game, as something positive that has happened in their lives. Particularly, if they grow up in a warm and loving environment, they develop positive feelings for their adoptive parents and feel protected in the family. By the time they grow up, they are fully affiliated with the idea of adoption. 

Some adoptive parents wait until their children become 8 years old or even older. From one hand, children of this age have already understood concepts that relate to family and motherhood and maybe they have heard about adoption as well. Also, they are old enough to participate in this sensitive process. On the other hand, they are old enough to realize that for 8 years or more the people they consider biological parents are people who made the decision to adopt. And at the same time, their biological parents are absent for 8 years. So, what is of utmost importance is how delicately adoptive parents will treat this moment to communicate to their adopted children that there is nothing to fear of because they are adopted. 

Finally, there are adoptive parents that talk to their children about adoption when they become teenagers. Teenagers always deal with how they feet in society, what they want to become as adults and so on. Particularly, adopted teenagers have a strong need to find their personal identity, where they come from and where they belong. They may ask questions about their characteristics, talents and abilities. Therefore, adoptive parents must exploit any opportunity they get to explain adoption to their children in a simple, straightforward way. 

In any case, adoptive parents should have in mind that children need to know. It is unfair for a child not to know the truth about such an important issue. Family and home is a holy place. Typically, adopted children spend a lot of their lifetime to understand why they have been placed for adoption and what their life would have been like it they hadn’t been adopted. They also think that something was wrong with them and therefore their biological parents gave them up.

Considering all the above, adoption should be explained the earliest possible. Even if the child is too young to understand, still having heard about adoption will be helpful in the future. Adoptive parents should communicate the idea that they were so lucky to adopt a wonderful child. Using emotional overtone will definitely help in evoking a feeling of gratitude and excitement to the child. In any case, the least adopted people deserve is to get told the truth the soonest possible so that they don’t waste their lives trying to understand why.

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Interesting article about the increase in divorce rates across the pond:

Why is the UK drawing so much attention? Divorce rates are high in a few other West European nations too. What is drawing statisticians down here is the rapidly changing demographic contours of the nation. The statistics reveal a people moving through a time of great flux. The very fact that this data is being considered as an important matter of study is itself an indication of the opinion of a generation.

A History of the Relations

Only 2% of men and women born before 1930 cohabited before marriage. By the 1960’s, the number rose to 50%. Around the middle of the 1980’s, the attitude towards cohabitation changed massively. This was when we were poised at the brink of the digital age, the concept of retail was changing, home businesses were beginning to flourish, and the children were becoming more neglected. Cohabitation was previously considered a preamble to marriage. But now cohabitation began to come up as a solution for divorcees to turn over a new leaf, avoiding a second brush with marriage. For young people it became an alternative to marriage itself. Now there is no doubt that it is a strong trend for long-term partnerships.

Divorce, in the meantime, has become quite commonplace. The divorce rates rose steadily over the years, before slumping in 2005, and it is hoped that the slump will persist. However, this is not a result of a sudden spurt of successful marriages all over the country. In fact, the number of marriages solemnised in 2005, has reached an all-time low when compared to the statistics for the past decade. So the best way to avoid getting divorced is not to get married at all.

Divorce and the Elderly

It is stunning but true, divorce rates among the sixty plus group have been on the rise for the past few years. More 55+ men and women are also getting married than ever before. The concept of the old man in ‘slippers and pantaloons’, shaking a disapproving finger at young women who leave their husbands, get a divorce, and then leave the child at home to go to work is a thing of the yester years. In fact, a jolly old granny, still working and glamorous, may start a new affair at 65. There is much support being offered on the part of the elderly where their grandchildren are concerned. More than 75% of grandparents in the UK are in favour of granting visitation rights to them too when their children divorce, and are ready to help the grand children tide over the troubled times under their care. However, most fight shy of providing continued financial support to the divorced offspring or to grand children.

Divorce and the Middle Aged

If we take the 40 – 55 group as middle-aged, the ruling trend is divorce, followed by remarriage. People of this age group are at the peak of their career, have children, and are earning well. They also divorce the least, and remarry quite often. Child care tendencies among them are also highest, and four out of five divorced mothers have voiced the opinion that they are willing to go out for work if they only had access to proper daycare for their children. Poverty among single parents is a major problem in this sector, and there are couples who are actually dragging on with a marriage because they know they won’t be able to give their children all that they need if they separated. The middle-aged group seems to be having the greatest variety of opinions as well, and survey results are highly uneven, suggesting that attitudes changed over localities, economies and cultures within the nation.

Divorce and the Young

Young people, 25 – 35, are losing faith in marriage. So divorce is not on the horizon. Those who do get married early are splitting soon. Divorce rates have been the highest among the 25 –29 group for five years now.

Divorce and Children

They are the worst-hit, and most neglected, despite all the awareness campaigns and support groups. Divorce, for them, is only pain and confusion from the unfair world of adults.

For information about Kentucky divorce, contact the Louisville Divorce Attorneys of Barrow & Weigel, PLLC.

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Excellent article for anyone going to court for the first time. Thanks to Robert L. Mues of the Ohio Family Law Blog.

The date for your “non-contested” divorce hearing or your dissolution hearing has been set. What is the appropriate attire for Court? First, it is most important to recognize that the two (2) hearings set forth in the first sentence indicate that the case has been “settled” or “resolved”. Basically, this means that neither party will be testifying against one another and that neither party has a large stake or investment in the Court’s impression of either party.

FOR MEN: A nice pair of slacks and a dress shirt or golf shirt would be appropriate. A sports coat or suit may be worn but certainly is not required. Shoes and socks should be worn as “flip flops” are prohibited. Likewise, it may be ninety degrees (90°) in August and hot/humid, but shorts are not permitted to be worn in the Courtroom. Other prohibited articles of clothing include tank tops, tee shirts, shirts reflecting foul or vulgar language or politically incorrect language, and hats.

FOR WOMEN: A dress, skirt and top, or slacks and a nice top would be appropriate. As in the paragraph above, it would not be appropriate to appear in Court in shorts, a halter top, or a skimpy tank top, or flip flops.

Example from “real life”– Several years ago, I attended a final divorce hearing in Greene County, Ohio. The day was hot and sultry. My client, the Husband, appeared in golfing attire wearing shorts. We were given two options: (1) reschedule the final hearing to a later date; or (2) have Husband obtain a pair of slacks. Husband elected to go to the local K-Mart and select a pair of slacks. He returned to the Court in slacks with the price tags being apparent. I asked him if the tags should be removed before we entered the Courtroom. He responded that he did not want to remove the tags as he planned to return the slacks to K-Mart following the divorce hearing!

The proper and/or appropriate attire for either party changes dramatically if the parties are facing a “contested” divorce and/or custody hearing, wherein each would be on the witness stand for protracted periods of time and, wherein, their appearances would certainly be scrutinized by the Court.

FOR MEN: Same as above; however, a sports coat or suit could be worn but would not be considered mandatory. If the Husband/Father is seeking custody of his child or children, he would want to be dressed conservatively…nothing too flashy, nothing too out-of-the ordinary. For example, if a young Husband is seeking custody of his child/children, he could receive “negative” points if he appeared in Court in non-traditional attire such as Black Gothic Style clothing or wildly colored hair. Remember, that most Judges are older conservative individuals. If the Husband/Father has an abundance of tattoos, I would definitely suggest that he consider wearing a long-sleeved shirt to “cover” the tattoos! Also, it would be advisable for the client to remove evidence of body piercings….ears, lips, nose, eyebrows, etc.

FOR WOMEN: The main point to remember……..you do not want to appear in Court as Sharon Stone appeared in “Basic Instinct”! This is not the time to appear to be “hot” or “sexy” especially if you are seeking custody of your child or children. You want to appear stable, sensible, warm and loving. Soft colors are better than bright and vibrant colors. Longer skirt lengths are better than short skirt lengths! You do not want to wear anything that would be considered “too short, too skimpy, too wild, too bold, or too sexy”.

I advise my clients to dress appropriately for Court. Dress as you would for church or an important job interview. If you are in the armed services, wearing your military attire is a very safe choice. If you look sloppy or inappropriate, the Judge or Magistrate may believe that you are showing or displaying a lack of respect for the Court. You have but one opportunity to create that “first impression”! So, consider these “do’s and don’ts” in advance of your Court date and make a good impression with the Judge.

Also, if you will be going to Court soon, please read our prior article from July of 2008, “10 Ways to Alienate the Judge” by clicking here. Looking good can only take you so far! Don’t make any of these other faux pas in court!

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Recognising the traumatic situation, children are in; divorce courts pay utmost importance to child welfare. Other than deciding child custodial issues, the legal process is also interested in child residential issues. Placing paramount importance to child welfare, the parents, mediators or the court might arrive at different decisions best suited to each individual case.

Splitting Siblings to Live With Different Parents

Each family is unique. In families where there are more than one or two children, each parent might decide to each take a child. This may be the best decision in the given circumstances, but splitting siblings is not good. Over the years, siblings form a common bond and turn role models and best friends to each other. They suffer much in the absence of the other.

If circumstances necessitate their separation, every effort must be made to reduce their pain. They should be enabled to maintain a regular contact with each other. Maximum separation anxiety is felt immediately after separation. This stage should be carefully handled.

As separation induces pain, parents are experimenting with a new concept called ‘nestling’ in a bid to protect their children from the pangs of separation.

Nestling – A New Concept

Children find it painful to vacate and relocate to a different place with their custodial parent. Even after relocating with the lone parent; they have to keep commuting between the houses of both their parents.

Constant travel is difficult. Parents realising the pain such disruption offers, leave the children in the marital home and shift to individual residences outside. They take turns in visiting the children every week.

This new concept of nestling does not enjoy long tenure success. Parents find it difficult to change residence every few days. This difficulty in commuting becomes more difficult when either parent remarries. Leaving behind the spouse and step children (if any) for even a few days every week proves difficult to manage.

Such disruption evokes mere silence from younger children, while, the older children (teenagers)react with anger.

How Teenagers React

The disruption in living arrangements and lifestyle in general, affects children but teenagers are more vociferous in their displeasure. They like children of all other age groups feel they are responsible for their parental divorce. The helplessness of their parental separation leaves them angry and they tend to blame one parent. Usually, the custodial parent bears the brunt of anger. Majority of teenagers seek solace in the false power of anger to deal with the negativity of divorce.

Parents can help their teenaged children, by taking care to not make them a part of the conflict. Parents generally make the mistake of repeatedly questioning the children about the ex spouse. Some even speak negatively about their ex in a bid to alienate the children. Such acts must be avoided.

Reactions of Other Family Members

Grandparent and grandchildren relationships are precious and every person looks forward to grand parenting. Arrival of tiny children at home gives all grandparents a second chance at parenting.

However, this much longed for relationship develops impediments by the acrimonious divorce of their offspring. Bitter divorce fights completely alienates grandparents from their grandchildren. Contact further diminishes if children are forced to relocate with their custodial parent to a different place. Geographical and emotional distance prevents children from bonding with their grandparents. They thus lose valuable grandparental love.

Divorce thus affects each and every family member including the pets.

Pet Visitation

The law treats pets as property. Couples have to work out their own arrangements regarding the time either gets to spend with the pet and also the sharing of pet maintenance expenditure. If there are children in the family, it is best to leave the pet in the same house as the children.

Divorce affects everyone in the family – children, grandparents, and even pets. Every effort is being made to minimise child discomfort. Each arrangement has certain inherent drawbacks. Nothing can be comparable to the warmth and secure atmosphere provided by a two parent family and an undivided home.

For information about Kentucky divorce, contact the Louisville Divorce Attorneys of Barrow & Weigel, PLLC.

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Of course, it goes without saying that it is in the best interests of children when both parents are actively involved in their lives. Typically, children who have both parents raising them are more successful in many areas, including their academics. Unfortunately, due to divorce and circumstances such as parents living in different cities or states, one parent is excluded from involvement in their child’s school life. Often it seems that the father is the parent who does not feel needed or welcome in their child’s school world. Fathers are many times unaware of school happenings such as teacher-parent conferences, report card dates, or special events at the school. Research supports that when the non-resident father is even marginally involved in their child’s school life, the student is more likely to participate in extra-curricular activities, receive better grades, and enjoy school more.

Working with Non-Resident Fathers – A Guide for Educators of Children , a pamphlet published by Separated Parenting Access and Resource Center (SPARC), a non-profit organization dedicated to promoting the best interest of children in custody and divorce proceedings, is an excellent resource for the parent who feels out of the loop when it comes to their child’s school life.

It is filled with practical tips for the non-custodial parent as well as suggestions for teachers and school administrators. If you are feeling uninvolved in school activities, contact, or if possible, visit your child’s school to meet with his or her teacher to be sure that you will receive mailings and or emails about your child’s progress, as well as information about upcoming events. Ask about the school’s website and calendar as a way of keeping informed about what is happening. Many teachers have their own web-pages and keep grades and other pertinent information on line for parents to access.

If you are a school administrator or teacher, this pamphlet should be a definite read for you. It is chalk full of useful suggestions to make sure that you are doing all that you can do to include both parents so that the end result is that you have happy, involved, engaged children who are ready to learn.

To go to the SPARC website, click here. To read the publication, Working with Non-Resident Fathers – A Guide for Educators of Children, click here.

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From the Ohio Family Law Blog:

Fans of football in general, but more particularly fans of the West Virginia University Mountaineers and the Cincinnati Bengals, mourn the untimely loss of Chris Henry on December 17, 2009.  He was just twenty-six (26) years of age.  Henry had a stellar career as a wide receiver at West Virginia University and was drafted by the Cincinnati Bengals in the third (3rd) round of the 2005 draft.  He had some notable off-the-field problems and at least five (5) legal-related incidents but was seemingly back on track with both his football career and life when he sustained an injury to his forearm in mid-season of 2009.  During the Cincinnati-Baltimore game, Chris sustained a fracture to his left forearm and was thereafter placed on the “injured reserve” list.

On the evening of Wednesday, December 16, 2009, there was an incident described as a “domestic dispute” involving Henry and his fiancé, Loleini Tonga. Reports say that Ms. Tonga was attempting to leave a residence in North Carolina when Henry jumped into the bed of the pick-up truck she was driving.  Henry was later thrown from the bed of the truck.  He sustained massive head injuries and died the next morning.

Many legal questions remain.  I shall address them in chronological order:

• It will be most important to determine if Chris Henry had a Last Will and Testament or any other estate planning documents to protect Loleini Tonga and their children. Most persons at the age of twenty-six (26) believe they are invincible and do not need to have estate planning documents in place.
• His fiancé, Loleini Tonga, has no legal rights to anything in his estate, absent a Will, as she was not married to Chris Henry at the time of his death.  As a fiancé of Chris Henry, she has no rights to inherit from his estate unless he provided for her in a Will or a Living Trust document.
• There are reported to be three (3) children that Chris Henry and his fiancé were raising; some news articles indicate that he was the father of only two of them.  If Chris Henry is the biological Father of the children, had paternity been established?  Loleini Tonga would not be eligible to receive Social Security benefits on behalf of the children until or unless paternity is established.  And, now that Chris Henry is deceased, his fiancé may have to try to establish paternity of the three (3) children through the appropriate Juvenile Court in order to seek Social Security benefits on their behalf.  If the children are not born as issue of Chris Henry and Ms. Tonga’s relationship, his estate would not be responsible for them unless Henry had estate planning documents in place to address that issue. More specifically, his will could have specified who he would designate to serve as guardian of the person and/or estate of any minor children he might leave at the time of his death.  His will or trust could also have named a trustee to manage assets on his children’s behalf until they attained an appropriate age to take control themselves over the funds.

Recommendations:

1. If children are born out of wedlock, take immediate steps to establish paternity.  Parents cannot expect to receive child support benefits or Social Security benefits unless paternity is established and the biological father of the child or children has been identified and verified by Court Order.  Just signing the Birth Certificate is not enough to establish paternity in the State of Ohio.
2. If you are a man living in Ohio and believe that you may have impregnated a woman to whom you are not married, then you should consider registering with the Ohio Putative Father Registry.  This is an important step toward establishing paternity and protecting your rights if the mother should decide to put the child up for adoption.  Be sure to register before the child is a month old. Click here to learn more about the Registry and to link to the form that would need to be completed.
3. Regardless of your age, have a Last Will and Testament prepared to establish who shall inherit from you and to establish who shall be responsible for your minor children in the event of your premature demise.  In Ohio, anyone who is mentally competent over the age of eighteen (18) years old can execute a Will.
4. These recommendations are especially important if the fiancé/father is wealthy.  Loleini Tonga and the three (3) children she and Chris Henry were raising may now be in legal “limbo” until it is determined whether or not Chris provided for them in a Last Will and Testament (or other Trust documents) and if the paternity of the children in question had been legally established.

As a graduate of West Virginia University and a Bengal fan, I was personally saddened by his death. Coach Bill Stewart said, “Once a Mountaineer, always a Mountaineer … Chris was a big part of our success during his time here.  For me, he was a real joy to be around on a daily basis.  He came to work and loved to play football.” Bengal teammate Chad Ochocinco said, “My grandma always says you never question the man upstairs on decisions he makes. Everyone makes mistakes, but I don’t see how Chris was supposed to go already, especially when he was on the right path.”

His family shared last week that Chris is helping save the lives of others through organ donation. Life Center, a group that encourages and facilitates organ donation, said that Henry was an organ and cornea donor and that his organs were donated to at least five people. "When it’s a high-profile person or high-profile case, this really brings awareness that, wow, lives were saved as a result of something so tragic," said Andi Johnson, a representative of Life Center. If you are interested in more information on tissue and organ donation in Ohio, click here and you will be directed to the Donate Life Ohio website.

Remember, that each of us needs to have a plan and properly drawn estate planning documents which include how our assets should be distributed and whom we would want to raise our minor children in the event we were not able to do so.  Regardless of our age or physical prowess, none of us are “bullet proof.” It is very important to take all the appropriate steps to protect our loved ones and family members!

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When a couple decides their marriage is over, a tremendous sense of grief and relief are felt. A recently divorced person will feel grief over the loss of their marriage and the loss of their partner in life. But there is also a sense of relief that the pain and anguish is now over and their healing can begin. For couples without children divorce is a far simpler process. They are not continually seeing each other to bring up all those bad feelings over and over again. When children are involved parents must learn their new roles and coexist quickly to minimize the negative effects of divorce on children.

The effects of divorce on children can be very traumatic.

Some children blame themselves for the divorce, believing that they caused their parent’s divorce due to their bad behavior or not listening. Some children just shut down after the divorce and find it very difficult to express their feelings. Often they look as sad as they feel, withdrawing from friends and activities they once enjoyed.

The effects of divorce on children can harm their future.

The effects of divorce on children can be detrimental to their future relationships. Children sometimes feel betrayed by their parents, resulting in a mistrust of others. This inability to trust others hinders their ability to form intimate relationships.

Parents can minimize the effects of divorce on children

The good news is that the effects of divorce on children can be minimized by their parents. Parents can reassure their kids that the divorce is not their fault. It is also important for parents to make their child feel safe by reassuring their child that they are loved by both parents. It is also important to let your child know that parents do not divorce their children. Tell your child that you are available to answer any questions they might have about the divorce. The effects of divorce on children will be less severe if the couple is able to put aside their differences as much as possible and work together to provide a loving, safe and consistent environment in both parents homes.

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The following is an article from California divorce attorney Jean Mahserjian. Its recommendations about divorce preparation will offer guidance to anyone considering a divorce, no matter what state they live in. The article is as follows:

California divorce preparation could prove to be a complex task. You might be dismayed if your spouse reveals that he or she will seek a divorce. What is more, you might return home someday to an empty home and a note, with your spouse and kids having moved out. If that takes place, you may be entirely unable to undertake any California divorce and separation planning yourself.

On the other hand, your partner could have strategized properly and you could determine that belongings have been hidden away or expended over time, or that a transfer was thoughtfully organized using the aid of an advocate with the plan to control a spousal support dispute. Though that type of orchestrated sneaky prep goes on rarely, it does come about and should serve as an example to any person who is thinking over a California divorce and separation: prep and tactics are vital and had better be looked at by everyone.

To insure that you are undertaking the best California divorce preparation and applying the best legal tactics, you might need the aid of a lawyer. An experienced California domestic lawyer has seen it all. He or she has handled enough lawsuits to realize what maneuvers may be employed by their adversary, what maneuvers are effective, and what maneuvers would work for your family situation.

Engaging in tactics and planning does not have to mean that you are moving towards divorce or separation litigation. It signals that you are aware of the facts of the case and your objectives and you have carefully planned how to get where you want to go. A adept settlement negotiation doesn’t happen without quite a bit of thoughtfulness and preparation. Numbers of clients fail to see the real value that they obtained from their lawyer. As a matter of fact, some people will claim that they did every bit of work in compiling information or in obtaining information for their lawyer, just to be confronted with a significant bill, and they want to know why. The “why” is found in the California lawyer’s experience level and the lawyer’s capability in preparation of your tactics in order to obtain the resolution you requested.

The tactics and planning that you should undertake before starting a California divorce and separation are critical. There are some things that everybody will have to do, including obtaining all of your economic documents. Some preparation and tactical issues will be unique to your own matter, including, the facts of your married life and your situation at the time.

Notwithstanding your own circumstances, your preparation should be undertaken after a careful analysis of the pertinent facts and a thorough conversation about your goals with your lawyer.
Various people confronting the same circumstances could consider different California divorce plans simply because they are focused on different results. If settling your case amicably and avoiding litigation are significant to you, your lawyer may have to engage in different tactics than if you want a court to make the decisions. If your lawyer understands all of your facts and your particular goals, your lawyer should be able to work on an outline that should get you the results you want.

Since divorce and separation is typically a battle regarding income and assets, obtaining the relevant documents about your particular finances will be a very important task. It is imperative that you locate copies of at least the last several years income tax returns and your w-2 and your partner’s w-2 for every job. If those documents cannot be located, it is easy to obtain copies from the IRS.

If you want to undertake this secretly and you do not want your spouse to know that you are doing divorce preparation, request that those documents be delivered to your employment address, an acquaintance, or to the office of your lawyer.
An outline of the history of your marriage is important to other matters that your California divorce lawyer will need to consider. Many lawyers require that you create a chronicle to help them. If your lawyer does not require an outline, write one up anyway. The time spent on doing so can help your lawyer to address matters like fault, custody, and support, and it could save your lawyer time needed for preparation of your matter and thus, reduce the cost of your divorce.

The more time that you spend getting, and organizing important facts and documents for your California divorce and separation lawyer, the less effort you will spend in your lawyer’s office talking over those issues. That translates into less time spent with fact finding and more of your resources spent on tactics and preparation.

For information about Kentucky divorce, contact the Louisville Divorce Attorneys of Barrow & Weigel, PLLC.

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