A good article that applies to Kentucky divorce as well as to divorce in Alabama.

I read a lot of articles on divorce. I am always tracking what is going on in my field and trying to pass on good information to the readers of my Alabama Family Law Blog.  Recently, I have noticed a lot of articles with the headline: How to Stop Your Divorce!  I’ve noticed that most of these lead to sites that are selling some product to people facing divorce. Perhaps, some of these products are worthwhile. But, I can’t help but think some of these are simply an attempt to play on the emotions of someone going through one of the worst times of their lives.

The fact is, under Alabama divorce laws, if one of the spouses insists on a divorce, they are going to get it. There is nothing you can do to stop. You can make it take longer, and you can make it cost more money (but why would you want to?), but you can’t stop it.  I tell my divorce clients all of the time, “It takes two people to decide to get married, it only takes one to decide to get a divorce.”

Can you try to convince your spouse to reconcile? Of course. Can you try to convince a spouse considering a divorce to not file and give it another chance. Sure. I always encourage reconciliation. And, if you are struggling in your marriage, a good book to take a look at is, The Divorce Lawyer’s Guide to Staying Married. The author is a divorce lawyer and in it, she interviews other divorce lawyers around the country. Because we see so many marriages that end in divorce, divorce attorneys have a unique perspective on the issue.

But, as far as these websites that promise to stop your divorce case, I would just be careful.  A few sessions with a qualified marriage counselor or pastor will have a much better chance of being effective than an e-book slapped together by someone trying to capitalize on your desire to avoid divorce.

photo credit: raulsantosdelacamara

This post from the AlabamaFamilyLawBlog.com where you can find information about Alabama divorce and family law.

How to Stop Your Divorce

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Excellent article for anyone going to court for the first time. Thanks to Robert L. Mues of the Ohio Family Law Blog.

The date for your “non-contested” divorce hearing or your dissolution hearing has been set. What is the appropriate attire for Court? First, it is most important to recognize that the two (2) hearings set forth in the first sentence indicate that the case has been “settled” or “resolved”. Basically, this means that neither party will be testifying against one another and that neither party has a large stake or investment in the Court’s impression of either party.

FOR MEN: A nice pair of slacks and a dress shirt or golf shirt would be appropriate. A sports coat or suit may be worn but certainly is not required. Shoes and socks should be worn as “flip flops” are prohibited. Likewise, it may be ninety degrees (90°) in August and hot/humid, but shorts are not permitted to be worn in the Courtroom. Other prohibited articles of clothing include tank tops, tee shirts, shirts reflecting foul or vulgar language or politically incorrect language, and hats.

FOR WOMEN: A dress, skirt and top, or slacks and a nice top would be appropriate. As in the paragraph above, it would not be appropriate to appear in Court in shorts, a halter top, or a skimpy tank top, or flip flops.

Example from “real life”– Several years ago, I attended a final divorce hearing in Greene County, Ohio. The day was hot and sultry. My client, the Husband, appeared in golfing attire wearing shorts. We were given two options: (1) reschedule the final hearing to a later date; or (2) have Husband obtain a pair of slacks. Husband elected to go to the local K-Mart and select a pair of slacks. He returned to the Court in slacks with the price tags being apparent. I asked him if the tags should be removed before we entered the Courtroom. He responded that he did not want to remove the tags as he planned to return the slacks to K-Mart following the divorce hearing!

The proper and/or appropriate attire for either party changes dramatically if the parties are facing a “contested” divorce and/or custody hearing, wherein each would be on the witness stand for protracted periods of time and, wherein, their appearances would certainly be scrutinized by the Court.

FOR MEN: Same as above; however, a sports coat or suit could be worn but would not be considered mandatory. If the Husband/Father is seeking custody of his child or children, he would want to be dressed conservatively…nothing too flashy, nothing too out-of-the ordinary. For example, if a young Husband is seeking custody of his child/children, he could receive “negative” points if he appeared in Court in non-traditional attire such as Black Gothic Style clothing or wildly colored hair. Remember, that most Judges are older conservative individuals. If the Husband/Father has an abundance of tattoos, I would definitely suggest that he consider wearing a long-sleeved shirt to “cover” the tattoos! Also, it would be advisable for the client to remove evidence of body piercings….ears, lips, nose, eyebrows, etc.

FOR WOMEN: The main point to remember……..you do not want to appear in Court as Sharon Stone appeared in “Basic Instinct”! This is not the time to appear to be “hot” or “sexy” especially if you are seeking custody of your child or children. You want to appear stable, sensible, warm and loving. Soft colors are better than bright and vibrant colors. Longer skirt lengths are better than short skirt lengths! You do not want to wear anything that would be considered “too short, too skimpy, too wild, too bold, or too sexy”.

I advise my clients to dress appropriately for Court. Dress as you would for church or an important job interview. If you are in the armed services, wearing your military attire is a very safe choice. If you look sloppy or inappropriate, the Judge or Magistrate may believe that you are showing or displaying a lack of respect for the Court. You have but one opportunity to create that “first impression”! So, consider these “do’s and don’ts” in advance of your Court date and make a good impression with the Judge.

Also, if you will be going to Court soon, please read our prior article from July of 2008, “10 Ways to Alienate the Judge” by clicking here. Looking good can only take you so far! Don’t make any of these other faux pas in court!

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Of course, it goes without saying that it is in the best interests of children when both parents are actively involved in their lives. Typically, children who have both parents raising them are more successful in many areas, including their academics. Unfortunately, due to divorce and circumstances such as parents living in different cities or states, one parent is excluded from involvement in their child’s school life. Often it seems that the father is the parent who does not feel needed or welcome in their child’s school world. Fathers are many times unaware of school happenings such as teacher-parent conferences, report card dates, or special events at the school. Research supports that when the non-resident father is even marginally involved in their child’s school life, the student is more likely to participate in extra-curricular activities, receive better grades, and enjoy school more.

Working with Non-Resident Fathers – A Guide for Educators of Children , a pamphlet published by Separated Parenting Access and Resource Center (SPARC), a non-profit organization dedicated to promoting the best interest of children in custody and divorce proceedings, is an excellent resource for the parent who feels out of the loop when it comes to their child’s school life.

It is filled with practical tips for the non-custodial parent as well as suggestions for teachers and school administrators. If you are feeling uninvolved in school activities, contact, or if possible, visit your child’s school to meet with his or her teacher to be sure that you will receive mailings and or emails about your child’s progress, as well as information about upcoming events. Ask about the school’s website and calendar as a way of keeping informed about what is happening. Many teachers have their own web-pages and keep grades and other pertinent information on line for parents to access.

If you are a school administrator or teacher, this pamphlet should be a definite read for you. It is chalk full of useful suggestions to make sure that you are doing all that you can do to include both parents so that the end result is that you have happy, involved, engaged children who are ready to learn.

To go to the SPARC website, click here. To read the publication, Working with Non-Resident Fathers – A Guide for Educators of Children, click here.

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From the Ohio Family Law Blog:

Fans of football in general, but more particularly fans of the West Virginia University Mountaineers and the Cincinnati Bengals, mourn the untimely loss of Chris Henry on December 17, 2009.  He was just twenty-six (26) years of age.  Henry had a stellar career as a wide receiver at West Virginia University and was drafted by the Cincinnati Bengals in the third (3rd) round of the 2005 draft.  He had some notable off-the-field problems and at least five (5) legal-related incidents but was seemingly back on track with both his football career and life when he sustained an injury to his forearm in mid-season of 2009.  During the Cincinnati-Baltimore game, Chris sustained a fracture to his left forearm and was thereafter placed on the “injured reserve” list.

On the evening of Wednesday, December 16, 2009, there was an incident described as a “domestic dispute” involving Henry and his fiancé, Loleini Tonga. Reports say that Ms. Tonga was attempting to leave a residence in North Carolina when Henry jumped into the bed of the pick-up truck she was driving.  Henry was later thrown from the bed of the truck.  He sustained massive head injuries and died the next morning.

Many legal questions remain.  I shall address them in chronological order:

• It will be most important to determine if Chris Henry had a Last Will and Testament or any other estate planning documents to protect Loleini Tonga and their children. Most persons at the age of twenty-six (26) believe they are invincible and do not need to have estate planning documents in place.
• His fiancé, Loleini Tonga, has no legal rights to anything in his estate, absent a Will, as she was not married to Chris Henry at the time of his death.  As a fiancé of Chris Henry, she has no rights to inherit from his estate unless he provided for her in a Will or a Living Trust document.
• There are reported to be three (3) children that Chris Henry and his fiancé were raising; some news articles indicate that he was the father of only two of them.  If Chris Henry is the biological Father of the children, had paternity been established?  Loleini Tonga would not be eligible to receive Social Security benefits on behalf of the children until or unless paternity is established.  And, now that Chris Henry is deceased, his fiancé may have to try to establish paternity of the three (3) children through the appropriate Juvenile Court in order to seek Social Security benefits on their behalf.  If the children are not born as issue of Chris Henry and Ms. Tonga’s relationship, his estate would not be responsible for them unless Henry had estate planning documents in place to address that issue. More specifically, his will could have specified who he would designate to serve as guardian of the person and/or estate of any minor children he might leave at the time of his death.  His will or trust could also have named a trustee to manage assets on his children’s behalf until they attained an appropriate age to take control themselves over the funds.

Recommendations:

1. If children are born out of wedlock, take immediate steps to establish paternity.  Parents cannot expect to receive child support benefits or Social Security benefits unless paternity is established and the biological father of the child or children has been identified and verified by Court Order.  Just signing the Birth Certificate is not enough to establish paternity in the State of Ohio.
2. If you are a man living in Ohio and believe that you may have impregnated a woman to whom you are not married, then you should consider registering with the Ohio Putative Father Registry.  This is an important step toward establishing paternity and protecting your rights if the mother should decide to put the child up for adoption.  Be sure to register before the child is a month old. Click here to learn more about the Registry and to link to the form that would need to be completed.
3. Regardless of your age, have a Last Will and Testament prepared to establish who shall inherit from you and to establish who shall be responsible for your minor children in the event of your premature demise.  In Ohio, anyone who is mentally competent over the age of eighteen (18) years old can execute a Will.
4. These recommendations are especially important if the fiancé/father is wealthy.  Loleini Tonga and the three (3) children she and Chris Henry were raising may now be in legal “limbo” until it is determined whether or not Chris provided for them in a Last Will and Testament (or other Trust documents) and if the paternity of the children in question had been legally established.

As a graduate of West Virginia University and a Bengal fan, I was personally saddened by his death. Coach Bill Stewart said, “Once a Mountaineer, always a Mountaineer … Chris was a big part of our success during his time here.  For me, he was a real joy to be around on a daily basis.  He came to work and loved to play football.” Bengal teammate Chad Ochocinco said, “My grandma always says you never question the man upstairs on decisions he makes. Everyone makes mistakes, but I don’t see how Chris was supposed to go already, especially when he was on the right path.”

His family shared last week that Chris is helping save the lives of others through organ donation. Life Center, a group that encourages and facilitates organ donation, said that Henry was an organ and cornea donor and that his organs were donated to at least five people. "When it’s a high-profile person or high-profile case, this really brings awareness that, wow, lives were saved as a result of something so tragic," said Andi Johnson, a representative of Life Center. If you are interested in more information on tissue and organ donation in Ohio, click here and you will be directed to the Donate Life Ohio website.

Remember, that each of us needs to have a plan and properly drawn estate planning documents which include how our assets should be distributed and whom we would want to raise our minor children in the event we were not able to do so.  Regardless of our age or physical prowess, none of us are “bullet proof.” It is very important to take all the appropriate steps to protect our loved ones and family members!

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In spite of his mom’s death from breast cancer two years ago, 14-year-old Damian appeared to be doing well. He was experiencing typical adolescent issues with independence and responsibility, but seemed to be working those out with his dad. Damian was starting to think about college, motivated by a desire to “always make my mom proud of me.”

I was a bit taken aback when I shared my impressions with his dad. He became very quiet and simply said, “our family is not right. We need help.”

I finally realized that I was focusing on the wrong client. I stopped talking about Damian and instead questioned dad about how he was doing.

Dad spoke extensively about what it had been like over the past few years. He told me the story of the first time he met his wife, the only person he truly loved. They were together since junior year in high school and were each other’s best friend. He talked about how traumatic it was when he first learned of his wife’s cancer, and the painful three years he spent feeling helpless during her ordeal.

His story was one of love, loss and sadness. I’ve been well-trained to avoid overly emotional responses regardless of what a child or parent tells me during a session. That’s hard for someone like me who gets teary eyed at Hallmark commercials.

I met with dad a few more times, and then connected him with an adult therapist who focused on counseling issues around grief and loss. There was no need for me to meet again with Damian.

It’s difficult at times to determine the real reason why parents seek help for their children. For some parents, it is just too hard to initially acknowledge that the root of their unhappiness is more due to their issues than their children’s. Other parents, like Damian’s dad, focus so much attention on their children that they fail to recognize their own depression or other serious problems.

Here are a few guidelines to determine who really needs help in your family:

• If you have any problems with substance abuse, child abuse or domestic violence, first get help for yourself. Kids living in homes with such parents show little improvement until their parents deal with those issues.
• Unhappy marriages lead to unhappy parents. It’s hard to be a good mom or dad if you are in a bad relationship with your spouse.
• Parents with major mental disorders, such as psychosis or mood disorders, generally require medication as well as therapy. Again, focus on yourself first rather than your child.
• The experience of a major traumatic event will affect you both as a person and as a parent, so be sure you deal with those concerns.

It’s common for parents to put children as their top priority, but getting professional help for yourself is sometimes the best way to help your child.

To sign up to receive Dr. Ramey’s Family Wise monthly E-newsletter, click here.

[Reprinted by permission from the December 13, 2009, edition of the Dayton Daily News, “Ask yourself, who really needs help in your family”, Family Wise, Gregory Ramey, PhD]

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