The Indiana House has a bill ending child support at 19 instead of 21. The abstract seems a radical change:

“Duty to support a child. Provides that the duty to support a child ceases when the child becomes 19 years of age. (Current law provides that the duty to support a child ceases when the child becomes 21 years of age.)”

Actually. the statute only changes the age of 21 to 19 while retaining the obligation to provide for education when there is an order for educational benefits. Rather nice to see the General Assembly make a surgical change change to a statute than a complete overhaul (and leaving us to deal with the overhaul’s unintended consequences).

This probably is an overdue change. I do not know how many clients have been surprised (more often unpleasantly) that child support does not end at age 18. Maybe worse, I cannot provide an explanation of why support continues to 21. (I have always assumed the reason being that educational benefits came in after the statute establishing child support ended at 21, and the intent was to support children going to post-secondary schools.)

View full post on Sam Hasler’s Indiana Divorce & Family Law Blog

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Not my idea but something published by the Indianapolis Business Journal’s NewsTalk blog:

Vetting your sweetheart

With Valentine’s Day just around the corner, a Purdue University expert recommends the marriage-minded conduct some pragmatic due diligence before engagement rings find their way onto fingers.

It’s widely known that financial problems undermine many a marriage. To that end, Sharon Burns, an associate professor of consumer sciences and retailing, suggests looking for bad habits before they wreak havoc. Not easy to do during such a passionate time, maybe, but still wise. Here they are:

–Your sweetheart has borrowed lots of money from you once or has borrowed from you more than once. This can signal they’re living above their means or managing money poorly.

–He or she buys lots of the latest clothes, gadgets, cars and other luxuries. Big spending can reveal their needing a crutch to make them feel better and, ultimately, personal insecurity or lack of discipline.

–Your love needs financial help from family or friends. “Mature adults support themselves,” Burns says.

–They pay for normal living expenses with credit cards and then don’t pay the bill in full at the end of the month, a “sure sign of disaster ahead.”

–They can’t hold down a job. In a normal economy, you should wonder if they’re lazy or lack self discipline.

Which leaves me wondering if the old idea of courtship doesn’t have something over dating? After all, if one has been courting (or long term dating) how can one fail to notice that the significant other has problems holding down a job?

Which then leads me to wonder if the divorce rate’s climbing numbers has less to do with some ill-defined ease of getting a divorce and more with the parties being less well-prepared for marriage.

And I will leave you with this last thought: the law can do a lot but society can do even more.

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The Pentagon reported the divorce rate among military members increased again in the past year and is now a full percentage point higher than it was around the time of the September 11, 2001, attacks.  According to their figures, the divorce rate of about 3.6 percent for fiscal year 2009 increased from the reported 2001 rate of 2.6 percent.  Women in uniform continued to have a much higher divorce rate than their male counterparts – 7.7% in 2009 compared with only 3% for men.  Air Force Maj. April Cunningham, a Defense Department spokeswoman, said the latest year-to-year change was relatively small because the services have made available programs focused on strengthening and enriching family bonds among couples.  “We believe these programs are instrumental in mitigating the stresses deployment places on marriages,” said Cunningham.

The actual data for the Afghanistan study indicated that the Army is trying to increase the number of mental health providers for the 68,000 US troops having problems such as acute stress, depression, and anxiety from the current number of 43 to roughly 103.  Seemingly, a very low number of counselors in my opinion!

“Every marriage has controllable and uncontrollable factors,” said Joe Davis, spokesman for the Veterans of Foreign Wars.  “But when you interject eight years of war, preparing for war, being at war, coming home and having to think about going back to war again – and when you have children – it just has a tremendous impact on the family unit. . . . Still at the end of the day, it’s that one mother or father who has to go home and close the door and be home alone with their children. There’s nothing you can do that will end the stress of having a loved one at war until the war ends,” said Davis.

The Pentagon acknowledges that their figures do not count veterans, who divorce after leaving the services, or reflect other possible wartime consequences on families, such as increases in alcoholism or the toll on orphaned or emotionally stressed children of troops.  Also, the figures do not speak to troubled but only intact marriages.  In an Army battlefield survey taken in Iraq in the spring, nearly 22 percent of young combat soldiers who were questioned said they planned to get a divorce or separation, compared to 12.4 percent in a survey conducted in 2003.

Regardless of how accurate the statistics are, the negative impact for military families and children by the two ongoing wars and repeated deployments continues to fracture military families.  Or, as a military’s spokesperson spins it, “In both theaters of operation, soldiers continued to face stress resulting from multiple deployments, but report feeling more prepared for the stress.”  Despite being “more prepared for the stress,” even the military acknowledges that troops in their third or fourth deployment reported significantly more acute stress and other psychological problems, and married soldiers among them reported significantly more marital problems compared to soldiers on their first or second deployment.

As a divorce lawyer, I can tell you how important it is for individuals living in their hometown in a relatively “stable” situation to have access to mental health counselors, therapists and support groups.  I can’t fathom the pain and burden of trying to fight a war abroad while being separated from a spouse and children and all the accompanying anxiety and stress. We certainly owe a huge debt of gratitude to each and every one of them!

For more information about this story, click here.

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Getting tired of all this? No one goes into a divorce adequately prepared to deal with all the changes and stresses. As active, high-functioning men and women, we want to do the best we can in the least amount of time. However, divorce is a process, not a single event, and it can be a long process. Even if the legal divorce takes only a few months, the fall-out (both emotional and financial) can continue for many years.

To prevent your divorce from becoming overwhelming, recognize that you cannot rush it. The legal system works at its own pace. It requires patience and energy. The emotional components also take their natural course. Each person heals in his/her own time. While there are things you can do to minimize the pain, the process will have to run its course.

Think of your divorce as a marathon, not a sprint. In a sprint, we gather all of our energy and push to our very limits right from the beginning of the race. We can exert that much energy for the sprint because it is short in duration. However, the body cannot sustain that exertion for long periods of time without collapsing. In contrast, the marathon runner must pace him/herself for the longer race. We train and prepare, sometimes for months, nurturing and preparing our bodies and minds with proper food, rest, and equipment. We must pace ourselves, knowing if we push too much in the first part of the race, we will lose our stamina.  When we do push, it is at times that maximize our position. We also know when it is important to coast. Every mile is not run with the same amount of exertion. It is wise to put more energy into the more challenging parts of the race.

This divorce is your marathon. Make sure you have good equipment (your attorney and therapist), and that you are in peak physical shape (enough rest, exercise, nourishing food). And as with the marathon, remember to strategize how you will use your energy. Some parts of the divorce require more energy and work, while others require very little exertion. Choose wisely how you will use your energy and resources; and at the end of the race, you will feel proud for having accomplished such a challenging, often grueling process. And you won’t have any regrets for a race well run.

In this divorce process, I am a marathon runner, running one of the most important races of my life. I will seriously consider how I want to use my energy, making sure I am as prepared as I can be. When it is over, I will be able to congratulate myself for a job well done. Running this race will empower me. It will reveal my strength and fortitude. This experience will change my life and better prepare me for other life challenges.

©2009. Donna F. Ferber, LPC, LADC is a licensed psychotherapist in Connecticut. Her newest book, Profileactics: A Guide for the Prevention of Ill-Conceived Personal Ads is available at bookstores everywhere, Amazon.com or at www.profileactics.com. This article is from her first book,  From Ex-Wife to Exceptional Life: A Woman’s Journey through Divorce which won an Honorable Mention Award by the Independent Publishers Association. To read more about the author and her work, please visit www.donnaferber.com.

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I came across this excellent article entitled, 7 Steps to Help You Get Through Divorce.  It doesn’t appear that the author is an attorney, but his advice is right on the money.  If you are facing a divorce in Kentucky (or anywhere, for that matter), the article is worth a read.

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A good article that applies to Kentucky divorce as well as to divorce in Alabama.

I read a lot of articles on divorce. I am always tracking what is going on in my field and trying to pass on good information to the readers of my Alabama Family Law Blog.  Recently, I have noticed a lot of articles with the headline: How to Stop Your Divorce!  I’ve noticed that most of these lead to sites that are selling some product to people facing divorce. Perhaps, some of these products are worthwhile. But, I can’t help but think some of these are simply an attempt to play on the emotions of someone going through one of the worst times of their lives.

The fact is, under Alabama divorce laws, if one of the spouses insists on a divorce, they are going to get it. There is nothing you can do to stop. You can make it take longer, and you can make it cost more money (but why would you want to?), but you can’t stop it.  I tell my divorce clients all of the time, “It takes two people to decide to get married, it only takes one to decide to get a divorce.”

Can you try to convince your spouse to reconcile? Of course. Can you try to convince a spouse considering a divorce to not file and give it another chance. Sure. I always encourage reconciliation. And, if you are struggling in your marriage, a good book to take a look at is, The Divorce Lawyer’s Guide to Staying Married. The author is a divorce lawyer and in it, she interviews other divorce lawyers around the country. Because we see so many marriages that end in divorce, divorce attorneys have a unique perspective on the issue.

But, as far as these websites that promise to stop your divorce case, I would just be careful.  A few sessions with a qualified marriage counselor or pastor will have a much better chance of being effective than an e-book slapped together by someone trying to capitalize on your desire to avoid divorce.

photo credit: raulsantosdelacamara

This post from the AlabamaFamilyLawBlog.com where you can find information about Alabama divorce and family law.

How to Stop Your Divorce

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Excellent article for anyone going to court for the first time. Thanks to Robert L. Mues of the Ohio Family Law Blog.

The date for your “non-contested” divorce hearing or your dissolution hearing has been set. What is the appropriate attire for Court? First, it is most important to recognize that the two (2) hearings set forth in the first sentence indicate that the case has been “settled” or “resolved”. Basically, this means that neither party will be testifying against one another and that neither party has a large stake or investment in the Court’s impression of either party.

FOR MEN: A nice pair of slacks and a dress shirt or golf shirt would be appropriate. A sports coat or suit may be worn but certainly is not required. Shoes and socks should be worn as “flip flops” are prohibited. Likewise, it may be ninety degrees (90°) in August and hot/humid, but shorts are not permitted to be worn in the Courtroom. Other prohibited articles of clothing include tank tops, tee shirts, shirts reflecting foul or vulgar language or politically incorrect language, and hats.

FOR WOMEN: A dress, skirt and top, or slacks and a nice top would be appropriate. As in the paragraph above, it would not be appropriate to appear in Court in shorts, a halter top, or a skimpy tank top, or flip flops.

Example from “real life”– Several years ago, I attended a final divorce hearing in Greene County, Ohio. The day was hot and sultry. My client, the Husband, appeared in golfing attire wearing shorts. We were given two options: (1) reschedule the final hearing to a later date; or (2) have Husband obtain a pair of slacks. Husband elected to go to the local K-Mart and select a pair of slacks. He returned to the Court in slacks with the price tags being apparent. I asked him if the tags should be removed before we entered the Courtroom. He responded that he did not want to remove the tags as he planned to return the slacks to K-Mart following the divorce hearing!

The proper and/or appropriate attire for either party changes dramatically if the parties are facing a “contested” divorce and/or custody hearing, wherein each would be on the witness stand for protracted periods of time and, wherein, their appearances would certainly be scrutinized by the Court.

FOR MEN: Same as above; however, a sports coat or suit could be worn but would not be considered mandatory. If the Husband/Father is seeking custody of his child or children, he would want to be dressed conservatively…nothing too flashy, nothing too out-of-the ordinary. For example, if a young Husband is seeking custody of his child/children, he could receive “negative” points if he appeared in Court in non-traditional attire such as Black Gothic Style clothing or wildly colored hair. Remember, that most Judges are older conservative individuals. If the Husband/Father has an abundance of tattoos, I would definitely suggest that he consider wearing a long-sleeved shirt to “cover” the tattoos! Also, it would be advisable for the client to remove evidence of body piercings….ears, lips, nose, eyebrows, etc.

FOR WOMEN: The main point to remember……..you do not want to appear in Court as Sharon Stone appeared in “Basic Instinct”! This is not the time to appear to be “hot” or “sexy” especially if you are seeking custody of your child or children. You want to appear stable, sensible, warm and loving. Soft colors are better than bright and vibrant colors. Longer skirt lengths are better than short skirt lengths! You do not want to wear anything that would be considered “too short, too skimpy, too wild, too bold, or too sexy”.

I advise my clients to dress appropriately for Court. Dress as you would for church or an important job interview. If you are in the armed services, wearing your military attire is a very safe choice. If you look sloppy or inappropriate, the Judge or Magistrate may believe that you are showing or displaying a lack of respect for the Court. You have but one opportunity to create that “first impression”! So, consider these “do’s and don’ts” in advance of your Court date and make a good impression with the Judge.

Also, if you will be going to Court soon, please read our prior article from July of 2008, “10 Ways to Alienate the Judge” by clicking here. Looking good can only take you so far! Don’t make any of these other faux pas in court!

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